Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
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*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Me, flirting😏
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you