Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
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Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.