@stephenjmolloy Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
@3sunzzz Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
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@stephenjmolloy 
@ddsmidt On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
@HenpeckedHal A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
@JohnLyonTweets A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
@ItsAndyRyan Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
@murrman5 *elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
@MichaelJErhart [Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
@OctopusCaveman Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
@AmishSuperModel “Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
@Ygrene [Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]