Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
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GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Spider-cat: No One Home
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”