Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
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Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Well, that didn’t work.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
[the middle of showering] I need a break