friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
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Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.