Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
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Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.