Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
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When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”