[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
You Might Also Like
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
shit just got real
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.