[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
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Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.