Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means

(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.