Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
You Might Also Like
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Velcrow
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.