[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
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One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.