Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
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Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Love this guy
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
sleeping beauty
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
My hips? Compulsive liars.