Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
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My new favorite headline
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito