“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
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*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
(Spelling is hard)
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me: