@sageboggs “You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
@ADHDeanASL Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
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@sageboggs 
@Book_Krazy *Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
@LurkAtHomeMom 4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
@SortaSarcastic What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
@WilliamAder Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
@TheCatWhisprer Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
@TweetToTheVoid2 Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
@TrueQuixote The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
@AmericanGent69 Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
@LibertyLayne01 Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
