@ADHDeanASL

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

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@sageboggs

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

@Book_Krazy

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

@LurkAtHomeMom

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

@SortaSarcastic

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

@WilliamAder

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

@TheCatWhisprer

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

@TweetToTheVoid2

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

@TrueQuixote

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

@AmericanGent69

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

@LibertyLayne01

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me: