Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
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God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope