Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
You Might Also Like
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
is it earth
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
the noise i just made
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?