Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
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I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.