Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
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I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
they split up moments later
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach