friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
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May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”