Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
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Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Breaking news:
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*