Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
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The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
The symmetry is uncanny.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!