Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
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I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.