[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
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Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
This is a bad sign
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.