Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
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I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
awkward
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
They’re really bad with fonts.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby