Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Okay me first
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.