Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over