FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

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[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out


A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”


*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*


Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.


ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking


Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this


My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.


As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival