FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
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“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
the official breakfast of 2021
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Muppet Screams
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?