[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
@panmidwest FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
You Might Also Like
@iheartgunts A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
@xLiserx *Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
@ObscureGent Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
@joejwest ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
@amandajpanda I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
@1followernodad You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
@Playing_Dad Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
@roxiqt My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
@schumoo As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival