FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

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If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.


Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?


If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,



Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes


Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…


I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.


Amazon Review: Ghost costume

Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.


[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.


My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.


You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.