FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
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If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.