Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
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Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
They did not think through this water fountain
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
X-tra spooky blend
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all