Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

is it too early for christmas memes

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?