Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
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Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
new shirt idea
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?