Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
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Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
True freaking story!
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?