Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
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The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
meow
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.