Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
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wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
“so what brings you to therapy today?”