@shadygrenade

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

You Might Also Like

@Jake_Vig

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

@BigJDubz

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

@ericbove

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

@Izianikapani

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

@Ygrene

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

@Faux_Ma

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

@davetureq

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.