Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

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Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”


Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal


Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.


Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?


[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf


My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.


They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.