Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
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Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.