Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
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If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
When ur friends with white people
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.