Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
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People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”