Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
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[texting my fianc茅 the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
You can鈥檛 touch this.
You can鈥檛 touch this.
You can鈥檛 touch this.
You can鈥檛 touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I鈥檓 not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i鈥檒l never be going back to sleep again
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
They say Stouffer鈥檚 family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You鈥檒l note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Santa: hey I’m 馃幎coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what鈥檚 the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I鈥檒l be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I鈥檓 appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I鈥檓 Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that鈥檚 really rude.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the pi帽ata