Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
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One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Mornin
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Before crowbars crows drank alone
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
So, can we agree on 4 or
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.