Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
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[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”