Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
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Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.