Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
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That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.