Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
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Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.