FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
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Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
One of the best
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
AM I BEING GASLIT????
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list