Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
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putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Just parrot things
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]