*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
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That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*