@WilliamAder

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

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@TragicAllyHere

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

@JohnFugelsang

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

@audipenny

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

@DamienFahey

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

@Valdemort_Arg

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

@noog

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

@mommameetsworld

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.

@daemonic3

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

@mdob11

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁