Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
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Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.