Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
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The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.