Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
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Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
She was REALLY feeling it.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”