FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
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It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess